If I had my druthers I would do all of my shopping online. Not just shopping for books or what have you. I mean, if I could gas up my Toyota at chevron.com, I would do it. Just for a little back story on how I developed this online obsession, in February 2000 I broke my leg and basically couldn't leave my apartment. For 2 months I crawled down the stairs on my butt once a week just to get my mail, so needless to say I wasn't hopping over to Macy's to window shop. I learned very quickly that I could order everything I needed on the Web and have it delivered.

Anyway, I can walk again (thanks for asking!) but I'm totally hooked on doing everything online. Unfortunately, there are times when I have to physically leave my apartment and venture out into old-fashioned retail establishments. For instance sometimes Kozmo, God bless'em, doesn't have the video I want, and I have to go to my local video shop. Now this particular video shop down the street, which shall remain nameless, is a very popular establishment where I live. Everyone's always saying, "Oh, you have to go to [local video store]!. They just have the greatest collection of foreign and independent films." And granted, they do have just about every foreign film ever made, and I have to give them credit for stocking about 17 episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, which I love. All the same, they really piss me off. Note to local video store: you're not the Louvre; you just rent videos. Get over yourself.

The other night, after a friend and I had a fruitful discussion surrounding the film Boiler Room and the non-talent that is Mr. Ben Affleck, I decided to rent Glengarry Glen Ross (referred heretoafter as GGR) since she had recommended it. Now Kozmo had GGR, but they didn't have another movie I was after, a little known film called "New Year's Day", which I only wanted to rent because (this is a little embarrassing) David Duchovny is apparently nu at some point in this movie. So I headed down to [local video store] in search of GGR and the Duchovny film.

Once I got to the video store I went to the "Director" section because I had looked up my two films ahead of time on said video store's website. Did I mention that going to this place is really labor intensive? The problem is that they micro-organize, so you really have to research the exact location of your video before you go there. They have everything arranged by "Film Noir", "British Drama", "Japanese Samurai", "Hong Kong Horror" and similarly themed genres, so you really have to have a pretty good feel for where your movie fits into their greater organizational scheme. It's pretty f***ing annoying, really. Anyway, I scoured the "Directors" section and didn't find either of my movies. Over in the next aisle I noticed a clerk with really long hair putting videos back on the shelf, so I approached him ever so politely and said:

"Excuse me. How do I find out whether a movie is in stock and where it's located?"

He responded, "Um, you ask someone with a computer."

Now I have worked in video stores in my day. I know that customers can ask really annoying questions, like the perennial "I'm looking for this one movie with that guy" type of question. Furthermore, I've had my own issues dealing with customers in past jobs, so I understand the frustration, but really, there's no reason to be a jackass. From the eye-roll and sigh I got from him, you'd think I had interrupted some delicate operation. It's not like he was delivering a baby in the middle of the "80s Teen Classics" aisle.

Since all the clerks up front were busy avoiding eye contact and trying desperately not to offer assistance, I ended up waiting in line 10 minutes just so I could approach the fabled guy-with-a-computer. He looked up GGR and said, "That's in the American Independent Directors section".

"Where exactly is that?" I asked.

And he responded with his own generous roll of the eyes, like I had obviously just gotten off the plane from Urbana, saying, "second cross-shaped fixture in the back." Then he curtly informed me that my Duchovny film was located somewhere in the 'American Independent Directors: Jaglom' section, which I think he just made up to get rid of me.

I never did find either movie. I ended up coming home and ordering Glengarry Glen Ross from Kozmo, who delivered my video with a smile in less than an hour. As for my Duchovny flick, I'll probably have to order it on amazon, or see if anyone on the web has a clip of the relevant "parts" (so to speak).